alexist

Number 10 has a new cat.

(The position has been vacant since Cherie Blair evicted Humphrey in 1997.)

It's been a month :( I still miss her and part of me is still cat-trained--I have to remind myself that it's OK to leave the flat door open while I run downstairs, and that the noise I hear by the window isn't Zoe, and so on.

I'm also having to exercise major self restraint with regards to getting another kitten. Neil's unsure about the whole expensive pedigree thing, though I did say it would be a good 30th birthday present. He's also unsure about kitten + baby--I said it would probably be better than kitten + toddler! He didn't know some kitten things--like, unlike dogs, they don't require house-training; you just show them their litter box as they have an instinct to bury their waste. We'll break down soon enough, I'm sure....

(it's a fairly old post, but I re-discovered it today)
http://chrisdolley.livejournal.com/65951.html

(click on the 'tribbles' tag for more cute posts with fluffy ginger kittens... including the funny http://chrisdolley.livejournal.com/61746.html)

for 3 hours! Longest trip out on my own so far :-)

First was the doctor's--I was worried about the ice and snow on the ground since the direct route is via a footpath, but it was fine. The trouble was in front of our flat; the snow on the pavement had been compacted down and frozen over, so I had to wheel the buggy in the street.

New GP was nice, and did a thorough job on my meds review. I need an EKG because apparently if you have an existing cardiac problem, Effexor can aggravate it. I know my heart is fine as I had an EKG a few years ago, but he wants a new one. He was surprised I'd not had one during pregnancy, especially since I had a C-section. He also agreed that I should have my TFTs redone, as my dose may need to be adjusted again, but said I should wait another 4 weeks.

I went to the delivery office, got my package, and went to the supermarket, then home. Aliza had a bottle after I saw the GP, but she was hungry again when we got in, 2 hours later! She's been awake pretty much constantly since the doctor's--I saw her snooze in her buggy a bit, but mostly she was awake, and still is now. The sling didn't calm her either. Hmm, think she might have dropped off now... good, Mommy can have a nap ;)

I came home to find a consolation card from our vet's (handwritten, not a form card). That was nice. I was always really pleased with them--we've been to 3 of their practices (including the cattery at the Ealing branch) and they were always very nice and gave great care. I certainly don't blame them at all for what happened to Zoe; it was just too late by the time she got treated, and cardiomyopathy is sneaky. If it's anyone's fault, it's ours for not seeing the cardiologist last year. If anyone's looking for a vet in north London/southern Herts (or Ealing!) I recommend them (Village Vet).

I keep expecting to see her. I'm still checking the sofa before I sit down. Neil said he keeps thinking he sees her too. And I keep finding bits of cat fluff. :-( What can I tell you--I'm outrageously sentimental about animals.

I've been thinking about another cat. I don't want to get one straight away because then it's like you're trying to replace the old animal, and you can't love the new one for what it is. But thinking about it gives me something to look forward to. And since I do want to go to a breeder this time, it will take longer--often the kittens are reserved before they're even born. So, we'll see. I do want another Maine Coon though; I got to love the personality and the giant fluffiness. I'd quite like a grey/silver or red tabby this time, just to be a little different, but as brown is the most common coat colour in Maine Coons I may well have another Zoecat.

This is the first time I've been pet-less since I was 8 (when my parents finally let us have a cat. My mother resisted years of begging, then she found a couple of mice.) When my first cat, Sam, died, I wasn't going to get another one; I was 23 and thought it wasn't the right time, and we did have a dog. After a couple of months I was so miserable without a cat I changed my mind. I know it will be the same again. (I'd still love a dog too, but I won't have one as long as we live in a flat. I'd want a golden and although you can keep them in flats, they're really happier with a bit of garden to run around in.)

Aliza was adorable today; she held on to my finger while I was feeding her, and I swear I saw a bit of a smile when she looked at me. She's doing more facial expressions now :) I was thinking her eyes were going to turn hazel as they're so dark, but now I'm not sure--in the light they're very definitely blue, the same colour as mine. She still has a silly hairstyle: it's long at the crown and down the middle, and only very fine hair on the sides. When it stands up, it looks like a mohawk. Punk baby!

Thank you all for your comments, it does help a little. I went to bed early, which was a good idea--it finally stopped me from bursting into tears every 3 minutes.

We drove her to the vet's last night and said goodbye. I didn't look at her again because I didn't want to remember her like that and the real part of her was gone, so she went into the back wrapped up in a blanket and that was that. I don't want her ashes back either, although this morning I was thinking maybe I should have so I could have disposed of them myself.

Neil and I sat in bed remembering Zoe. She was our substitute baby for the past 2 and a bit years, really, and we fussed over her. It was easy to do, because she was great--gentle and funny and affectionate and laid back and more than a little daft. She used to lick our noses, and follow Neil around in the morning (she sat at his feet while he ate his Weetabix) and cuddle up to us in bed, and sit on the sofa while we watched TV.

( a pic of Zoe )

We will be getting another cat eventually, but not yet... not till June at least, because 1) it's best to wait a little while before getting another one, and 2) we don't want to get a new kitten right before we go away for 2 weeks. I'd like another Maine Coon, and I'm really tempted to go to a breeder (especially since I've read that hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is genetic in some lines of MCs, and breeders now screen for it).

She was gasping and choking and I knew it was the end, I've known for an hour now but I didn't want this, I didn't want her to die on my floor in pain :-(

A week ago I was expecting years with her, years more of combing fluff off and getting kneaded in bed and sat on and begged for ice-cream. Not this. Not for her to die in front of me before her 6th birthday :-( She was such a good cat... I'm going to be lonely without her :-(

Zoe started gasping a little, and she's crying, and I don't like the way she sounds. I called the vet and they said to bring her back in. So as soon as Neil gets home that's what we'll do :(

I'm crying my eyes out :-(

First, there's Zoe. On the plus side, she's alert and this morning she surprised both of us by coming in from the living room and getting on the bed--we thought that without the use of one leg she wouldn't be able to do it.

On the other side, she's not moving from place to place much (though I keep reminding myself that she's always been capable of spending hours in one spot), she's not eating or drinking much (I'm keeping an eye on this; could be the post-vet sulk, and I did put her in front of her water earlier and she drank some), and she's breathing really heavily, which is the most worrying thing. She's seeing the vet again Tuesday. I hope she's all right to travel to Devon with us next week.

So now instead of just moving Aliza and her things from bedroom to living room, it's Aliza + cat + mutual acoutrements (including food). I'm just too paranoid and nervous at the moment. This really hasn't been a good year so far for me and animals, has it?! :(

On top of that, Aliza's being fussy and her afternoon feeding pattern seems to be "little and often" which is a pain with formula.

(ooh, Zoe just jumped off the sofa and went into the bathroom [where her litter box is], that's good at least.)

I did take Aliza out in her pram today. We went to the newsagents. Woo. Naturally, they were out of the Independent so Neil will have to get it for me anyway :/ Tomorrow we'll go to the delivery office if Royal Mail don't redeliver (I've realised the 326 towards Brent Cross stops right near it, so I don't have to worry about walking there and back) and the supermarket. I forgot to ring the surgery at 8:30, so I'll do it tomorrow, and go Friday. At least we now live within walking distance of the doctor's. I also have to ask about our 6 week checkups. I got the slip for Aliza's but it's from our old GP, so I have to ask. She also has a hospital appointment Tuesday. It didn't say what for but I'm assuming that it's a follow up since she was in NICU--the consultant's name looks familiar. It's for Children's Outpatients, so that's not much of a clue. Neil's off all next week so I don't have to get her to the hospital, at least--though I will on the 21st for her hip scan. (Because she was breech so late in pregnancy, and my sister had dislocated hips and had braces, she needs to be screened.)

The flat's a mess and I'm tired. I'm almost glad that the woman giving me a lift to today's NCT get-together got ill and had to cancel. (Unfortunately, of the 13 women in our group, 3 [including me] live in Finchley, and everyone else is in Barnet and Borehamwood! So I'm in the wrong direction to get lifts. Just coincidence, but awkward for me since I'm not allowed to drive right now. The other woman in my area was a week overdue last week, so she's either just delivered or is being induced now.)

Zoe has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (I now know the proper title because her pills have "for treatment of feline primary hypertrophic cardiomyopathy" on the carton).

Today's Guardian Wellbeing feature was on cardiomyopathy. In humans, of course. Still...