Still no joy :(

[alexist]

I'm starting to feel like a failure. Oddly enough, it's not the latch issues that are doing it, it's the supply problem. I know that with perseverance, effort, and help, latch problems can be fixed. But I can only do so much to make my body cooperate. From what I've been reading I'm a prime candidate for milk supply problems: PCOS (though mine isn't severe; with metformin I ovulated normally and conceived easily), hypothyroid (again not severe and my last TFTs were good), C-section, anaemia, and of course initial breastfeeding difficulty and formula supplementation. I'll ring the lactation consultant tomorrow, and I'll keep pumping, but it sucks when you're up every 3 hours and only getting dribbles.

It's no use telling me "it doesn't matter, you're trying as hard as you can, and the important thing is that Aliza eats and stays healthy". I spent 9 months psyching myself up to breastfeed, getting myself in the mindset. And when you really believe "breast is best", it's very hard to turn around and give your baby something you feel isn't quite as good. You want them to have the best, and not being able to provide it kills me.

Sorry peeps, this isn't a sympathy plea, I really do hate myself. I'm not frustrated with Aliza, thank G-d, unlike some mothers I've heard of. But it does make things hard. I'm almost instinctively shirking away from the bottle-feeding chores because of how it feels... and that's on top of how I feel when I try to nurse ("oh, it's going to fail anyway"). If ONE of the problems would go away, I wouldn't feel so resentful. Either I'd feel that at least she was sucking and getting comfort out of it and my production was being stimulated, or I'd be hopeful that this time would go better, and the milk would help tempt her. But with both things going wrong, it does your enthusiasm in. The pumping isn't actually so bad because even if I don't get milk out of it I can feel like at least it's keeping stimulation up and that things might get going.

Maybe this is the baby blues? I haven't had them yet.

In better news, my mother brought my Maya Wrap and it's quite cool, Aliza fussed for the first 3 minutes but then snuggled in. It's not quite hands free but is very helpful, and it's lovely having her cuddled up. I also made her appointment to get registered at the Embassy and get her first passport. It's a good thing I looked it all up last night: the next available appointment was in March!! Neil has to go with us of course, to consent to her passport, so it will be a family trip to Grosvenor Square. We've also got her hip scan appointment (nothing wrong that we know of, but there's a family history of congenital hip issues--my sister had to be in braces--and she was breech at 30 weeks, so she gets screened.)

Comments

[boneist.livejournal.com]

I do hope things sort themselves out... *hugs*

[commlal.livejournal.com]

Keep going, keep trying, thats all you can do.

BTW you are making me very broody, even though babys scare me! Good luck :D If you ever need discount baby things, like calpol or the like give me a shout :)

[twisted-times.livejournal.com]

You - broody? *boggles*

[commlal.livejournal.com]

I know, terrifying isnt it.

[twisted-times.livejournal.com]

*runs*

[tafagirl.livejournal.com]

(((HUGS)))

Get in touch with the IBCLC! And maybe get in touch with some crunchy bf'ers, like from your local LLL group? They're unlikely to tell you that "you can always ff, it's never harmed anyone" ... And do tell me if you'd like to email with a fellow PCOSer with (suspected) IGT :-)

[estherchaya.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine has PCOS and conceived three children without any problems at all (her fourth took a little longer, but stil wasn't difficult to conceive). BUT, the one thing the PCOS did affect with her was her ability to breastfeed. With her fourth child, she knew she wouldn't be able to exclusively breastfeed, but what she DID do was make sure that she gave him the breast at the beginning of each feed for EVERY feed for as long as he would take it before resorting to a bottle. She felt like he did get some benefit from it, and she loved being able to breastfeed even just a tiny bit. She says that's what she would recommend to ANYONE having problems with BFing.

I'm sorry it's not working out the way you'd hoped. And there really isn't anything that will make it better, but I hope it all works out for the best.

Glad you're enjoying the Maya Wrap. Just about every mother I know loves her Maya Wrap.

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

I feel for you. I couldnt nurse either due to prematurity, latching issues and supply issues, and it hurt very bad. Ultimately I had no choice and shimon thrived on formula. I understand your pain.

[hannahsarah.livejournal.com]

Did you read the Ask Lenore stuff I sent you?

I got my milk in, I was doing great, and then Rivka decided that 3 1/2 months was a really good time to start getting teeth in, and she absolutely refused to nurse after that. Her little gums just hurt too much to really get a good suck. So, I pumped for a while, but it wasn't the same.

Sometimes things just don't turn out the way you expect, even with the best intentions. B'H, out kids manage to grow up with G-d's help, one way or another. :-)

Hang in there, and don't let anyone tell you it's time to give up, until YOU decide it's time.

[arosoff.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I'm seeing a lactation consultant. I know it will all work out; it's just a big mental adjustment.

[hannahsarah.livejournal.com]

If you want someone else to talk to, contact LJ user Pester. She's a frum girl who lives in Vancouver BC. She had a horrible pregnancy, and emergency C section, and a preemie. She had a very hard time nursing at first, but she had a lot of help and she'd be a great one to commiserate with. Tell her you got her name from Grace.

I'm thinking about you and wishing you lots of luck and strength. :-)

[mommyathome.livejournal.com]

ok, so G-d forbid you don't have enough milk I know there's something you can buy which makes it seem like the baby is eating from your boob when in fact there's a tube connecting to formula. It's so that the mother and baby can bond as if the child is breast fed. It's not the real thing, but it's a viable solution. However, where I saw this thing I haven't the slightest idea at this point.

I would recommend looking into that. I can understand your depression at not being able to breastfeed. However, if you can't then there's no point in beating yourself up about it. With that said I do think it's too early to stop trying.

[arosoff.livejournal.com]

I know what you're talking about, it's called a Supplemental Nursing System.

I'm not giving up yet! First I'm going to see a lactation consultant. I'm too damn stubborn to give up that quickly. :-)

[mommyathome.livejournal.com]

You'll also feel better if you exhaust every possibility.

BTW, do you IM?

[arosoff.livejournal.com]

yep, look in my userinfo, though don't take it personally if I don't answer: I can browse the web one handed while pumping, but not IM :)

[hannahsarah.livejournal.com]

I tried the SNS, and it was a royal pain in the arse. The formula clogs the tube, no matter how well you strain it, and no matter how careful I was, Rivka could always feel the tube and it messed up her latch. I'd recommend using an eyedropper to drip formula down your nipple and get her going that way, rather than spending $85 for a contraption that is just going to make you frustrated.