![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I'm starting to feel like a failure. Oddly enough, it's not the latch issues that are doing it, it's the supply problem. I know that with perseverance, effort, and help, latch problems can be fixed. But I can only do so much to make my body cooperate. From what I've been reading I'm a prime candidate for milk supply problems: PCOS (though mine isn't severe; with metformin I ovulated normally and conceived easily), hypothyroid (again not severe and my last TFTs were good), C-section, anaemia, and of course initial breastfeeding difficulty and formula supplementation. I'll ring the lactation consultant tomorrow, and I'll keep pumping, but it sucks when you're up every 3 hours and only getting dribbles.
It's no use telling me "it doesn't matter, you're trying as hard as you can, and the important thing is that Aliza eats and stays healthy". I spent 9 months psyching myself up to breastfeed, getting myself in the mindset. And when you really believe "breast is best", it's very hard to turn around and give your baby something you feel isn't quite as good. You want them to have the best, and not being able to provide it kills me.
Sorry peeps, this isn't a sympathy plea, I really do hate myself. I'm not frustrated with Aliza, thank G-d, unlike some mothers I've heard of. But it does make things hard. I'm almost instinctively shirking away from the bottle-feeding chores because of how it feels... and that's on top of how I feel when I try to nurse ("oh, it's going to fail anyway"). If ONE of the problems would go away, I wouldn't feel so resentful. Either I'd feel that at least she was sucking and getting comfort out of it and my production was being stimulated, or I'd be hopeful that this time would go better, and the milk would help tempt her. But with both things going wrong, it does your enthusiasm in. The pumping isn't actually so bad because even if I don't get milk out of it I can feel like at least it's keeping stimulation up and that things might get going.
Maybe this is the baby blues? I haven't had them yet.
In better news, my mother brought my Maya Wrap and it's quite cool, Aliza fussed for the first 3 minutes but then snuggled in. It's not quite hands free but is very helpful, and it's lovely having her cuddled up. I also made her appointment to get registered at the Embassy and get her first passport. It's a good thing I looked it all up last night: the next available appointment was in March!! Neil has to go with us of course, to consent to her passport, so it will be a family trip to Grosvenor Square. We've also got her hip scan appointment (nothing wrong that we know of, but there's a family history of congenital hip issues--my sister had to be in braces--and she was breech at 30 weeks, so she gets screened.)
It's no use telling me "it doesn't matter, you're trying as hard as you can, and the important thing is that Aliza eats and stays healthy". I spent 9 months psyching myself up to breastfeed, getting myself in the mindset. And when you really believe "breast is best", it's very hard to turn around and give your baby something you feel isn't quite as good. You want them to have the best, and not being able to provide it kills me.
Sorry peeps, this isn't a sympathy plea, I really do hate myself. I'm not frustrated with Aliza, thank G-d, unlike some mothers I've heard of. But it does make things hard. I'm almost instinctively shirking away from the bottle-feeding chores because of how it feels... and that's on top of how I feel when I try to nurse ("oh, it's going to fail anyway"). If ONE of the problems would go away, I wouldn't feel so resentful. Either I'd feel that at least she was sucking and getting comfort out of it and my production was being stimulated, or I'd be hopeful that this time would go better, and the milk would help tempt her. But with both things going wrong, it does your enthusiasm in. The pumping isn't actually so bad because even if I don't get milk out of it I can feel like at least it's keeping stimulation up and that things might get going.
Maybe this is the baby blues? I haven't had them yet.
In better news, my mother brought my Maya Wrap and it's quite cool, Aliza fussed for the first 3 minutes but then snuggled in. It's not quite hands free but is very helpful, and it's lovely having her cuddled up. I also made her appointment to get registered at the Embassy and get her first passport. It's a good thing I looked it all up last night: the next available appointment was in March!! Neil has to go with us of course, to consent to her passport, so it will be a family trip to Grosvenor Square. We've also got her hip scan appointment (nothing wrong that we know of, but there's a family history of congenital hip issues--my sister had to be in braces--and she was breech at 30 weeks, so she gets screened.)
depressed
There are 16 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
blah