alexist

I want external validation of my own worth. Even though I know it's bullshit and know that the only person who can make me feel good about myself is me.

But, what I feel is:

• fat


• unattractive


• unsuccessful


• socially inept


• alone


• like I've wasted my time on this earth.

I'm trying to keep some perspective. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm nice (mostly), generous (sometimes that comes easy, sometimes it doesn't, but I pride myself on being willing to give anything short of the shirt on my back), and intelligent (or reasonably so). I'm ethical, law-abiding, don't cut in front of people on line, and try to remember that I wouldn't want people saying nasty things about me so I shouldn't say it about them. And that's all very nice. But I still feel worthless.

(And I'm not writing this so you'll all add comments and tell me I'm not horrible.)

I looked at the Independent (newspaper) forums today. Here are some of the discussion titles:

- Americans are stupid
- US is biggest threat to world peace
- I hate George W. Bush
- Bush endangers the world
- U.S. Target - Europe
- USA and the reason behind the war
- Why are Americans such cowards?
- Hey! Ho! Who hates America?
- Why can't Americans fight?
- The USA - Boy Scouts with Nukes
- Condemn US-led Aggression
- USA: Once great, now ridiculous
- Stop defending US
- Is America an imperialist power?
- The USA has gone mad
- Is "democracy" unknown in the USA?

And people wonder why we get defensive....